More Fritz

Obviously it was a hard day.  I honestly thought I would come home from the vets and crawl right back into bed.  Jenni told me that I should watch "Marley and Me", because when she's sad, she likes to just be sad.  And I was already crying anyway....  I thought about it.  Mark tried all day to get me to go and lie down.  But I was too restless.  I never did.  My head was pounding.  I didn't feel like doing anything.  ...but I also didn't feel like lying down.  I don't know.

Supper time last night was hard.  Even though Fritz had not been eating, at meal times I at least tried to get him to eat.  I tried hand feeding him a few morsels of his dog food.  (he'd take a bite or two)  I'd try getting him to eat an egg, and I'd become excited when he did!! I was eating goldfish one evening, and this got his attention.  So I began feeding him goldfish one at a time.  Probably not the best things in the world, but I was just so happy he was eating something.  But last night as I fed Georgia O'Keeffe and Dolce, both Fritz' kennel and Fritz' bowl remained empty.  I picked his bowl up and hugged it and cried.  Again.  I didn't hug his bowl this morning at breakfast, but I did cry.  

The past few mornings, as soon as my eyes opened, I'd rush out to the living room to check on Fritz.  This morning, when my eyes opened, I knew I didn't have to.  And I cried.

One memory that made both me and Marshall smile last night was the sprinkler.  Fritz loved water.  He loved running through the sprinkler.  He loved eating the sprinkler.  When Fritz first came to live with us, we went through a few sprinklers before I remembered that if the sprinkler was on, I needed to watch Fritz a bit more closely.  The other morning I had the sprinkler on.  This is when Fritz was sick.  He wasn't feeling good.  He wasn't eating.  But he was still getting up and getting around.  I took him outside to go potty, and he purposefully went out of his way to go through the sprinkler.  Got himself nice and wet.  I laughed.  I pet him and I told him, "I see what you did there, Fritz."  

His kennel remains in the garage.  I closed it up though.  Mark offered to take it down, but it's in a perfect place.  I told him to leave it.  I am pretty sure at some point we will get another dog.  I was made to be surrounded by animals.  As much as I complain about the amount of dog hair flowing through my house, I was made to have dogs.  My life is never complete without them.  And Georgia deserves another friend to run with.  Oh, it won't be anytime soon.  And it won't be planned.  God will give us the perfect dog when the timing is right.  So the kennel remains in place.  In time I'll wash all his blankets.  

Someone saw me feeding all the dogs in their kennel one day.  They asked if I separated the dogs at meal times, because they fought over food.  No.  I separate the dogs at meal times, because one is allergic to everything and on a special diet.  I have to make sure each dog eats their own food.  My dogs never fought over anything.  (playfully they did, but not seriously)  Fritz was a picky eater.  And a slow eater.  After he finished his meal, both Dolce and GO'K would go into his kennel and look for extra morsels of dropped food.  Dolce did notice the kennel door is now closed and she can't go scavenge for food.

I had also planned on drinking a bottle of champagne last night in honor of Fritz.  But by nightfall, I just could not bring myself to go outside and sit on my back porch with my husband and my dogs, when one of my dogs would be missing.  We nixed the idea .... maybe at some point.  But not yet.

Last night, as Mark was in the shower, I moved Dolce's bed and Georgia O'Keeffe's beds into our bedroom.  I placed them next to the bed.  When Mark came to bed, he said, "I'm sorry I couldn't make you feel better today.  I guess you just needed dogs to make you feel better."  Mark did try all day long to take care of me, but I am fiercely independent, and especially when sad.  I appreciated his attempts to comfort me.  I did.  But at the same time, I did need to go through the motions on my own.  I pulled away from him a bit.  He did make me laugh though.  As he looked at Georgia and Dolce lying on the floor next to my side of the bed, he asked, "Does this mean when I die, you're going to surround yourself with men when you go to bed?"  I promised him I would not have men sleeping on the floor of my room after he died.  (Although I keep telling him that I'm going first since I'm older............)

Life does go on, but sometimes we do wish it would stop at least for a little while in honor of those that we love.  I've wondered before, and I'm sure I'll wonder again how the world can simply go on 'business as usual' when I've lost someone so dear to my heart.