I'm old

I have been thinking about this post for a few days, but I am not sure how to put it into words.  This may end up being nothing more than me rambling.  If so, enjoy having a look inside my head. 

Soon I will be 59.  59!!   How in the (insert bad word here) did I get to be 59??  I don't feel 59.  (What is 59 supposed to feel like!?) I love the little meme that says, "Act your age",  followed by the reply "I don't know how to act my age; I've never been this age before." That, my friends, is where I am.  

People joke about 30 being old. You can joke about it, because 30 does kind of seem old.  I mean, you're no longer "young".  People laugh about 40 being old. You can laugh about it, but people in their 40's are generally happy with their lives.  By then they have worked to get their life where it ought to be and things are, for the most part, swimming along in just the right way.  The kids are at a nice, easy age and people are usually on the path they want to be on career-wise.  People convince themselves that their 50's are no longer old. 50 is the new 40!  Modern medicine and all.  But y'all, I am this close ---><--- to 60, and no matter how you attempt to spin it, 60 is old. It just is.

I like the era into which I was born.  I hope you like yours too, but let's face it: I had Johnny Carson, you get Jimmy Kimmel.   I had Elvis Presley, you get Justin Bieber.  I had the Beatles, you get Nsync. Yeah, mine rocked!

I don't feel old.  I'm not stupid, or in denial. I know my age, and I know what it means... I just don't feel it.  Then I get a glimpse of my body, and I see how it has changed.  (Yeah, some of that is time and gravity, and some of that is me.  One of the nicest things about getting older is I don't even feel the slightest, tiniest desire to "be all I can be". I am more in the stage of "this is what it is" That doesn't mean I don't get any exercise or that I have completely let myself go, not at all.  It just means I get my exercise from activities involved in simply living my life and not trying to "stay in shape". There is a difference there. We don't sit around in our recliners eating cookies and ice cream.  (Well, not every night, at least.) We do care about our health.  As one gets older, health IS important.  We just no longer feel the desire to hit a gym and crunches are NOT on our "to do" list.)  Anyway, back to what I was thinking:  I do notice how time has changed my body, and not for the better.  I look in the mirror, I try not to do that one too often, but when I do, I no longer see a young (or even middle-aged) face looking back at me.  Mark and I don't take many selfies, but we did take one or two on our recent trip.  Looking at our photos, I thought, "We DO look like a little old couple." It was just weird.  Because, again, I don't FEEL it.

Talking about my age with some people the other day, and all I could say was "It's weird."  I said it a few times, because y'all, it IS weird.

I don't mind growing old.  As they say, it is a privilege not given to all.  

I had a GREAT friend in high-school.  We did not meet until my freshman year, and sadly we allowed life to drift us apart after high-school, but for those very important, very special "coming of age" years, the two of us were inseparable. She was eleven days older, and she acted as though it was eleven years.  (Maybe I am exaggerating) She would constantly do things and follow it up with "I can do this, because I am older than you." or "You'll understand when you are my age."  I would roll my eyes and tell her she was only eleven DAYS older than me, but this gave her no pause.  Her treating me as though I was so much younger would continue.  I told her I would get my revenge.  When we became little old ladies, I would remind her how old she was, and that I was SO much younger.  Oh how I would have fun with that!!  Only... she's not here.  She is not one who was given the privilege of growing old.  And that makes me so incredibly sad, because she was so fiercely full of life, and she missed out on so much.

Me?  I have lived.  I have had a GREAT life.  I have often thought the only person who might have had a better life than mine is HRH The Queen.  (But Kate Middleton is closing in.)

I have given birth to two beautiful babies.  I was fortunate enough to be a stay at home mom and be in their lives way more than either one probably wanted.  I got to be there for their school programs, and I got to be there for their sporting events.  I got to be the carpool mom and hear all the after school chatter.  I got to be room moms and chaperones.  Yeah, they probably wish I could have been a little less available, but I loved being there and cheering them on.  And sometimes, just sitting back and quietly observing.

I got to watch them grow... and become. And I loved each stage.  Oh, I would be saddened to see a stage end, but then I would quickly realize how much I loved this new stage we all just entered.  I loved my babies, my toddlers, my kids, my preteens, my teenagers, my young adults... I loved it all.

They say the best part of being a grandparent is the grandchildren.  Not for me.  The best part, for me, is watching my children be parents.  (Although those five precious little grandkids do have a hold on my heart!)  And now I get to watch my grandkids grow...and become.  Only this time I am not on the front lines. I am on the side lines and pushed back a bit.  But that's OK, because this time my kids get to be on the front lines.  I had my moment in the sun; now is the time for them.

And I have lived.  

So much.

I have been to all 50 states.  (Not just "through", but TO)  It was a goal for James to get the kids to all 50 before Jenni graduated high-school.  And we did.  

Jenni spent her 16th birthday on a private boat halibut fishing, whale watching, iceberg dodging, among other things, in the fat middle of nowhere Alaska.  No other people at all.  Just us and the Alaskan wildlife.  

I remember having to find an eye doctor in Hawaii so we could get Marshall some contacts because what good is scuba diving if one can't see without his glasses? And it all worked out wonderfully, as we were surprised with a school of dolphins swimming over our heads.

I have been to NYC and Washington DC, numerous times.  I have been to the Kentucky Derby and the Indianapolis 500. I have traveled the Pacific Coast Highway.  I have driven through a tree. Walked my butt off on trails at the Grand Canyon and on sidewalks of the Las Vegas strip. Swam in the Great Lakes (ok, just Michigan, but it was freaking cold!) I have seen, and heard, the majestic roaring waters of Niagra Falls. I have been to the Superbowl and the World Series.  I have been to Disney World and Disneyland.  A few times.  

Not only have I been to Mexico, I have been to all the obvious beaches, (Cancun, Cozumel, Acapulco, Cabo San Lucas) but we also drove to Cuernavaca going through Mexico City.  We even spent a night in Real de Catorce, which really was IN THE FAT MIDDLE  of nowhere.  I remember thinking the townspeople could kill us, ditch the Suburban and no one would ever know where to find us.  But, it was absolutely an adventure complete with walking into a restaurant and seeing a native Mexican Indian (Aztec?  Inca?) in full Indian regalia including his elaborate headdress simply eating his dinner. 

Funny what your mind remembers.  What your mind forgets.

I have been to Canada, and  I got to be one of the first Americans to go to Cuba after Fidel Castro and the Revolution. (Thank you Jimmy Carter!)

I have been to Europe.  I have been to the Middle East.  I have been to the Caribbean. I have been to the Mediterranean.  

I have been to Anne Frank's house and toured multiple concentration camps. (I am a bit obsessed with the Holocaust.) I have walked on some of the same roads Jesus was said to have walked on.  I went into Bethlehem when it was being advised as "too dangerous".  But it was Jesus' birthplace.  How does one not go?

I have walked the streets of Pompeii.  Ridden a gondola in Venice.  Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower.   Did a pub crawl in Ireland.  Viewed the Sistine Chapel. 

I got to travel to South Africa and see wildlife.  Up close and personal. I slept alone in a cabin while a pride of lions slept snoring just outside my door.  I got to see my son take down a Cape Buffalo with one perfect shot straight through the heart.  I made friends with an amazing woman on the opposite side of the world, and we still stay in touch.  

Not only have I traveled by planes, trains and automobiles, but I have also been in blimps and submarines.  

I have parasailed and scuba dived.  I have jumped out of a plane.  More than once. 

Some people have a bucket list.  I do not.  I have no idea what I would even add to it.  Of course there are things I haven't done and places I haven't been.  But of all the things I have truly wanted to do, I have done.  Of all the places I have truly wanted to go, I have been.

I have watched people die.  I have lost loved ones after a long, drawn out illness and had them snatched out of this world in the blink of an eye.  (Both suck, btw)

I have lived.

I have laughed.

I have loved.

I have no idea what the future holds.  Maybe I will be around many, many more years.  Maybe I will be gone by morning.  Maybe I will die.  Maybe Jesus will come first in all his glory.  I don't know.

But what I do know is that it has been one heck of a ride, and I will keep riding it out as long as the good Lord allows.  When the day finally comes that I leave this earth, I will be in the arms of my Lord and Savior.  And THAT will be my BEST DAY EVER!

Christmas 1965