I'm not sure how this will turn out ... I have so many thoughts rushing through my head, and I have a hard time sorting them out. bear with me.
Like the rest of the country, like the rest of the world, I am hurting so much today. I can absolutely not wrap my mind around what happened yesterday. It's too surreal. I want it to be a dream. But, sadly, it is not.
How anyone can do this? To those innocent little babies. I'm sure if you ask any five year old, they will inform you they are NOT a baby; they are most definitely big. But we adults know they are babies.
I keep thinking back to when my own children were that age. I can still see their little five year old faces. I remember taking them to school at that age. My daughter was the oldest. When I would take her to school, I could not simply drop her off through the car pool line. My son was three at the time, and he still sat in his car seat. My mornings were not spent getting myself ready. My mornings were spent getting my kids up, and getting Jenni ready for school. After I dropped her off at school, then Marshall and I would go back home, and we would get ready for our day. Needless to say, many mornings I looked like death warmed over. So we would all climb into our SUV, and I would drive up to the school.
I would get ready to go through the car pool line, and Jenni would say, "Please come with me. Please. I can't open the door."
"Jenni", I would say, "You can open the door. Just give it a pull." (I didn't want to have to get out and see anyone considering how NOT good I looked, and I didn't want to have to park and get Marshall out of his car seat.)
"No, mommy. I can't. Please."
Now anyone with kids knows exactly what I did. I parked that vehicle, got my son out of his car seat and walked my little girl to her classroom where I opened the door for her. My little girl wasn't embarassed by my appearance. To her, I was mommy, and she could count on me to help her. She knew I was there for her.
And believe me, there were so many mornings all I wanted to do was drop her off through that car pool line. It would have been so much easier. But she was my little girl, and I was her mommy. And all too quickly, she grew up, and she opened that door, and she no longer asked me to walk her to her classroom. But not when she was five. That came later....
So I keep thinking of both of my kids when they were in kindergarten. When they were five. And I picture their faces. Their innocence. Their smiles. Their laughter. Their Christmas program. Their Christmas clothes. And I cry.....
I was talking to my daughter, and I told her how I was thinking back to when she and Marhsall were in kindergarten, and the first thing that popped out of her mouth was, "I couldn't even open the door."
And some of these kids could probably not open their door. And some of these kids could probably not tie their shoes. And some of these kids could probably not color within the lines or cut straight with their little scissors. And probably all of these kids were looking forward to Christmas or Hannukah or Winter Break ....... and then their world got shattered. Evil walked into that school and shattered their world. Their dreams. Their lives.
And I cannot wrap my mind around this. The only way, the ONLY way I can even come close to dealing with this, with thinking about this is because I know that when evil walked into that school, God was already there. I know that when evil took the lives of those babies, Jesus took their souls.
Years ago I had a cousin who died in a horrific accident. My cousin and I were quite close, and when I heard of his death, I fell apart ... but when I heard about how he died, I really lost it. I hated the thought of what my cousin had gone through. What his last moments had been. I was discussing this with a beautiful Christian woman, and I will forever remember what she said to me. She said, "Lisa, you don't know when God took his soul. God knew what was going to happen. Perhaps God took him to Heaven before the crash." Now I don't know. I have no idea when God grabs our souls out of our bodies, but she made me think. And she gave me a new perspective. And I grabbed onto that thought and I hung on.
I have no idea what these little innocents went through, but I do know that as their lives were taken on this earth, Jesus was there hugging them, comforting them and holding them, and I know Jesus took them and placed them in the lap of their Father. And I know they are in Heaven where they will weep no more.
And that is the ONLY way I can deal with this.
I cannot imagine what these parents are going through. My heart breaks for them.
I cannot imagine going to a house decorated for the holidays. A house full of happiness. A closet full of toys waiting for Christmas. Memories shattered.
I will pray, but they will hurt. And they will hurt for a long time.
And their Christmases will never be the same. But I will pray that with time and with God they will find peace, that they will find joy.
but it won't be for a long, long time.
