still sad...

I do know it gets better.  This is not my first time to lose someone I love.  I know life goes on. I know I will laugh again.  I've done it.  but dad-gum it's hard......

I absolutely hate being greeted in the morning by two dogs when I should be greeted by three.  I absolutely hate seeing his empty bed, but the thought of removing it is even worse.  I still hate meal times.  I hate his vacant kennel.  I hate his unused bowl.  But I love his bed, and his kennel and his bowl.  They make me feel (somewhat) still close to him.

Our yard is divided into two sections.  We have about 1.5 acres of pasture with a fence around it.  The pasture has a couple of nice shade trees along with a big barn and a smaller barn.  I often say it's big dog proof, but not little dog proof.  Dolce doesn't spend much time out there, because there are places where she could wiggle out, but this is where Fritz and Georgia O'Keeffe did much of their running.

Yesterday I had things to do.  That was a good thing.  It kept me busy.  But when I drove up to the house, I (again) just cried and cried.  I sat in my car and looked at all the places where Fritz and Georgia would be.   At the corner to greet me.  Next to the barn lying in the soft weeds.  Under the different shade trees.  I looked at all those places.  Empty.  And I cried.

Last year they had a swimming pool.  I hadn't gotten them one yet this summer.  May was still a bit cool and rainy, and somehow June just flew by too quickly.  I kept telling myself to go get their pool.  Of course I feel guilty about that now.  When they had their pool, Georgia would get in and cool off and then move along, but Fritz would lie in the pool.  It was his spot.  There was almost always a ball in the water with him.

I have a plastic bin full of dog toys in my living room.  It sits under a bar table.  Fritz would walk over to that plastic bin, pull out every toy until he found the one that he wanted, and then he would take that particular toy over to his bed to sleep with, chew on or play with.  I knew the day he quit doing that, it would kill me.  And it has.

If you know anything about me, you know everything comes back to "Friends".  And, of course, this is no exception.  I now know how Monica felt about Richard's hair.  My house has Fritz hair that needs to be swept up.  Same with my garage.  But I can't bring myself to do it.  Not yet.  I can't let him go.  Not yet.  I know I will in time.  And as sad as it is to see his hair lying around, the thought of sweeping it up and getting rid of it is even sadder.

I know I don't really play favorites, because Dolce is my baby and Georgia O'Keeffe is just such a great dog and absolutely no trouble.  ever.  But in many ways Fritz was also my favorite.  He was the most playful of the bunch.  He was the most gentle of the bunch.  He was such a good, good boy.

see.... I'm supposed to have three dogs

when I took this one, I was wondering why he was facing the corner....hahahahaha

so sweet

I want my doggie back....!

Mark:  I got you a surprise.

Me:  Is it a German Shepherd puppy?

Mark:  (softly) No.  Not because I wouldn't, but because I thought it was too soon.

Me:  It is.  To be honest, I don't want a new puppy.  I want Fritz.  If I got a new puppy, I'd probably be disappointed when it didn't have Fritz' personality.

Mark:  yeah.


I just want to come home and find him here.  find out it was all a bad dream.  that he's fine.  and happy. and healthy.
and home.

More Fritz

Obviously it was a hard day.  I honestly thought I would come home from the vets and crawl right back into bed.  Jenni told me that I should watch "Marley and Me", because when she's sad, she likes to just be sad.  And I was already crying anyway....  I thought about it.  Mark tried all day to get me to go and lie down.  But I was too restless.  I never did.  My head was pounding.  I didn't feel like doing anything.  ...but I also didn't feel like lying down.  I don't know.

Supper time last night was hard.  Even though Fritz had not been eating, at meal times I at least tried to get him to eat.  I tried hand feeding him a few morsels of his dog food.  (he'd take a bite or two)  I'd try getting him to eat an egg, and I'd become excited when he did!! I was eating goldfish one evening, and this got his attention.  So I began feeding him goldfish one at a time.  Probably not the best things in the world, but I was just so happy he was eating something.  But last night as I fed Georgia O'Keeffe and Dolce, both Fritz' kennel and Fritz' bowl remained empty.  I picked his bowl up and hugged it and cried.  Again.  I didn't hug his bowl this morning at breakfast, but I did cry.  

The past few mornings, as soon as my eyes opened, I'd rush out to the living room to check on Fritz.  This morning, when my eyes opened, I knew I didn't have to.  And I cried.

One memory that made both me and Marshall smile last night was the sprinkler.  Fritz loved water.  He loved running through the sprinkler.  He loved eating the sprinkler.  When Fritz first came to live with us, we went through a few sprinklers before I remembered that if the sprinkler was on, I needed to watch Fritz a bit more closely.  The other morning I had the sprinkler on.  This is when Fritz was sick.  He wasn't feeling good.  He wasn't eating.  But he was still getting up and getting around.  I took him outside to go potty, and he purposefully went out of his way to go through the sprinkler.  Got himself nice and wet.  I laughed.  I pet him and I told him, "I see what you did there, Fritz."  

His kennel remains in the garage.  I closed it up though.  Mark offered to take it down, but it's in a perfect place.  I told him to leave it.  I am pretty sure at some point we will get another dog.  I was made to be surrounded by animals.  As much as I complain about the amount of dog hair flowing through my house, I was made to have dogs.  My life is never complete without them.  And Georgia deserves another friend to run with.  Oh, it won't be anytime soon.  And it won't be planned.  God will give us the perfect dog when the timing is right.  So the kennel remains in place.  In time I'll wash all his blankets.  

Someone saw me feeding all the dogs in their kennel one day.  They asked if I separated the dogs at meal times, because they fought over food.  No.  I separate the dogs at meal times, because one is allergic to everything and on a special diet.  I have to make sure each dog eats their own food.  My dogs never fought over anything.  (playfully they did, but not seriously)  Fritz was a picky eater.  And a slow eater.  After he finished his meal, both Dolce and GO'K would go into his kennel and look for extra morsels of dropped food.  Dolce did notice the kennel door is now closed and she can't go scavenge for food.

I had also planned on drinking a bottle of champagne last night in honor of Fritz.  But by nightfall, I just could not bring myself to go outside and sit on my back porch with my husband and my dogs, when one of my dogs would be missing.  We nixed the idea .... maybe at some point.  But not yet.

Last night, as Mark was in the shower, I moved Dolce's bed and Georgia O'Keeffe's beds into our bedroom.  I placed them next to the bed.  When Mark came to bed, he said, "I'm sorry I couldn't make you feel better today.  I guess you just needed dogs to make you feel better."  Mark did try all day long to take care of me, but I am fiercely independent, and especially when sad.  I appreciated his attempts to comfort me.  I did.  But at the same time, I did need to go through the motions on my own.  I pulled away from him a bit.  He did make me laugh though.  As he looked at Georgia and Dolce lying on the floor next to my side of the bed, he asked, "Does this mean when I die, you're going to surround yourself with men when you go to bed?"  I promised him I would not have men sleeping on the floor of my room after he died.  (Although I keep telling him that I'm going first since I'm older............)

Life does go on, but sometimes we do wish it would stop at least for a little while in honor of those that we love.  I've wondered before, and I'm sure I'll wonder again how the world can simply go on 'business as usual' when I've lost someone so dear to my heart.

Fritz

A few years back, my son brought home the most adorable (as if there is any other kind) German Shepherd puppy.  We immediately fell in love with Fritz.  Well, not quite all of us.  Marshall said that our family dog, Ebony, bit little Fritzy on the occasion of this first meeting.  But for me, and for most of us, it was love at first sight.

Poor little Fritz came with a few problems.  He was allergic.  To everything.  OK, maybe not everything but there were certainly times it felt like it was.  The poor guy was constantly breaking out.  His coat was not as shiny as it should have been.  His eyes were often runny.  His ears were infected.  He got little bumps under his snout.  Allergies were not fun for him.  He had to have a special diet.  He lived on steroid shots.  Thankfully he had, in Marshall, a daddy who went out of his way to make sure Fritz was as comfortable as possible.  Marshall stayed on top of Fritz' diet and his vet visits and his steroid shots and his allergy medication.  But more times than not, the allergies won, and Fritz was miserable.  (and that is how he came to live with me and Mark .... but more about that later)

Fritz was gorgeous.  German Shepherds are such a beautiful breed, and he was no exception.  The way he sat.  The way he stood.  And especially ... the way he ran.  When he ran, he was majestic.  I loved to watch him run.  I can't remember who was here recently, but someone was visiting, and I told them they had to watch Fritz run.  I threw his ball for him to chase, just so we could watch how beautiful he is when he runs.  Fritz did not play 'fetch', but Fritz loved his balls.  He wanted us to throw them all day long, and he would go after them.  Sometimes catching them in the air, other times running after them with all he had .... but he did not bring them back.  They were his.  Period.  And he always had one in his mouth.  Fritz could not eat without having one of his balls nearby.  Fritz could not sleep without having one of his balls nearby.  Fritz could not go outside without a ball in his mouth.  Fritz could not come inside without a ball in his mouth.  I will miss so many things about him, but seeing him with a ball in his mouth will be at the top of the list.  Fritz would sit and just stare at you begging you to please, please, please throw his ball.  Sometimes I would.  It meant so much to him.  It was especially a treat when Mark would kick his ball, because then the ball travelled FAR, and Fritz got to run a long, long way to get it.  If we played long enough, Fritz would eventually get tired and hot.  He would take that stupid ball over to his water dish and drop it right in.  Then he would drink some water too.  I didn't always play ball with Fritz as much as I probably should have.  Last year, Fritz had a problem with his hip.  His X-rays showed that he did have fragile hips and knees.  We still played ball with him, it meant too much to him NOT to, but I did cut back and didn't do it as often as he wanted.  That, of course, makes me sad now.

When Fritz still lived with Marshall, one of the highlights of his life was playing 'fetch' with Sammy and Max.  Someone would throw the orange stick, and all three dogs would chase after it.  At different times, a different dog would win, and it was always entertaining and fun to watch them.  In the water, Max, the Labrador, had the upper hand.  He was beautiful in the water.  Not that the others couldn't swim, but it was much more natural for Max.  On land the upper hand belonged to Fritz.  Again, not that the others couldn't run, but Fritz excelled at it. 

As I mentioned earlier, Fritz had allergies.  Bad allergies.  Fritz came to live with me and Mark while Marshall was up at SMU.  Initially it was to help Marshall out.  However, a couple things happened.  One, Fritz' allergies quit flaring up.  Two, Fritz and Georgia O'Keeffe became best buds.  Fritz still had all his allergies, but down here, they just didn't act up as badly or as often.  He never once had a steroid shot while living with us.  On the occasions when his allergies did hit, they didn't hit hard.  And Georgia was such a mother hen to Fritz.  She would lick, lick, lick his watery eyes or his ears or his snout.  She took such great care of him, and he LOVED every minute of it.  Because of these two things, Marshall and I came to the conclusion that Fritz was going to remain here with us.  It was hard for Marshall, but he knew Fritz was better off.  And he knew I loved Fritzy.  He knew Fritz would be taken care of.

Fritz was such a sweet boy.  I loved that he looked scary.  Some of our neighbors told us that he scared them when they saw him in the yard.  Good.  I like that.  but Fritz would not have hurt anyone.  Matter of fact, when I handed all the dogs treats, he was the most gentle of the bunch to take it from my hand.  Fritz had this huge head and these big teeth, and yet he was so gentle in getting a treat from me.  So sweet. 

We were out of town for a little while, and my mom was here taking care of everyone.  She told us Fritz would not eat.  We weren't too worried.  Fritz was a picky eater.  Fritz was never a big eater.  But then he skipped too many meals.  We were beginning to worry, but we were wondering if he was missing me.?  or was it the heat?  Thankfully we were able to get him into the vets the next day.  By now he was not eating.  He was bloated.  The vet took blood.  The vet ran tests.  The vet took X-rays.  Fritz' heart was enlarged.  Fritz was having a hard time breathing.  We got prescriptions, and we came home.  But Fritz did not get better.  

Last night I knew.  I just knew.  Marshall said he knew the first time I called with the initial vet visit.  Marshall and I discussed everything each step along the way.  Each decision we made together.  I came out into the living room and slept with Fritzy.  I thought of bringing him to my room, but I didn't want to make him walk down the hallway.  So instead, I went to him.

This morning, not only would he not eat, now he no longer would drink.  I called the vet.  I started to have Mark call, but I thought I could handle it.  I was wrong.  I was crying so hard, I'm surprised the vet understood me.  (or maybe they didn't)  They told me to bring him in.  We still didn't know the answers, but I knew he was better at the vets than with me.  An hour or so later, the vet called.  We talked.  Fritz' heart was too damaged.  I asked if Fritz was his dog, what would he do.  He said he would consider putting him down.  I knew that, but I had to hear it  from him.  I talked to Marshall and headed back to the vets and to Fritz.

I was with him.  I stayed with him.  I pet him and told him he could go to sleep.  Just go to sleep.  He did.  And just like that, Fritz was gone. 

I mentioned Georgia O'Keeffe would be looking for him, so the vet told me to bring her in.  Let her say 'good-bye'.  So we did.  I did not go back with Georgia.  I didn't think I could handle that.  A vet tech took her back.  She sniffed him, her demeanor changed a little, she sniffed again, and she walked away. 

I came home.  I walked the yard gathering up all his balls.  He'll be buried with some.  Not sure which yet, but some.  Under his favorite big shade tree. 

And life, for the rest of us, will go on.  And we will be OK.  But not today.  Today I am not OK.  Today I am so sad and missing a wonderful, wonderful dog and companion.

Good-bye Fritzy.... oh how I love you.