Saying that, there have been times I have been much closer to God as well as times I have been much further from God. My doing, not his.
I heard it once explained that our relationship with God can be likened to people at the seashore. Some are sitting far back from the water's edge. They wish to admire the view, but do not want to get wet. Some are relaxing nearer the water. Reluctant to go in, but not worried if they get a bit of water splashed on them. Others are wading into the water. It feels relaxing, but they don't wish to get their hair or faces wet. Others swimming joyfully. Jumping the waves and going under. Some are snorkeling. Not going too deep, but wondering what is below the surface. A few are out there diving deeper and deeper in their SCUBA gear. Desiring to know it all.
I like that analogy. At times I have probably been all of these people. At least I hope I have put on my SCUBA gear. I know I have wanted to. It is where my heart wishes to stay. It is not where my humaness remains. There have been times my humaness wanted to leave the beach. Maybe not completely, but at least for a while.
I have been working, genuinely working, on my relationship with God. And...the more I work on it, the harder I find it. I have heard that as we attempt to get closer to God, Satan works all the more to pull us away. Or, maybe as I become closer to God, I become more and more aware of my sinfulness. My shortcomings. Perhaps it is a combination of the two. I do know that as I strive to get closer to God and attempt to create a new "me", I, too often, see all my sins and flaws and mistakes. Too often, they seem magnified. Enormous. Insurmountable.
We tend to judge ourselves harsher than we judge anyone else. My husband has often told me, "You will forgive anyone anything, except yourself." He is pretty accurate. I think it is because we only see parts of others, but we see the whole of ourselves. And, my whole is not pretty. I have made a LOT of mistakes in my life. I have made a LOT of bad choices in my life. I have hurt a LOT of people in my life.
I don't wish to hurt people, and I am heartily sorry for the hurt I have caused. It really is more a case of my being determined to destroy myself, and others were hurt in my process. I never wanted to hurt them. But it happened. Because of me. Because of my choices.
Reading "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn" there is a line where Francie decides we all have a secret life about which others know nothing. Eleanor Rigby wears the face that she keeps in a jar by the door. Oh, all the lonely people... where do they all come from?
I think, this is maybe part of the problem. Part of my problem(?) We tend to hold things inside. We tend to show the world what it wants to see. What it expects to see. While we are falling apart on the inside, we show the world just how "together" we have it. The problem is that others truly believe we have it all together, while they feel they do not. It makes them (me) feel even more of a mess. More of a sinner. More of a miscreant.
Do not be dismayed. There is hope.
Our hope comes from God. From Jesus.
He knows we are not perfect. He knows we will make mistakes. As long as we are in our humanness, we will struggle. Life will be a trial. Some obstacles we will overcome. Others will kick us time and time again. It is why we have Jesus. He knew. He always knew. We cannot do it ourselves. Jesus did it for us.
This is where our hope lies. That is where I find comfort.
I also find comfort in knowing I am not alone. When others can let down their walls and share their messed up lives complete with mistakes and bad choices, I know I am not alone. When I can take off my mask and let you see me, warts and all, I hope I can help bring you comfort. I hope I can help you know that you are not alone. I am sorry if I ever seem like I have it "all together", because I can promise you, I do not. Not even close.
So on I go to be a better person. My process seems to be two steps forward and one step back. Some days it is one step forward, two steps back.
But onward I trudge. My journey. My life.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
