Three things that happened recently:
I told Mark I would work on Saturday. He asked if I was sure. I was. He said he would be ready to come in any minute if/when I felt I needed to come home.
I decided I can be sad at different times every day, and I can be sad all day on certain days, but I cannot be sad all day every day.
My head has been pounding from all the grief; my eyes feel like sandpaper from all the crying.
I also knew, at work, chances were good that no one I saw throughout the day would know anything about my Dolce, so I could "busy" myself without thinking about her too much.
I knew I would still be sad, but I also knew I could put it on the "back burner" when needed.
Off I went.
And oh how sad I was.
The store does not open until 10:00am. I go in around 8:00am to do the books and get the store ready.
When Mark recently was out of town for a week in December, Dolce went to work with me.
I work 8:00am - 5:00pm, and, at this point in her life, Dolce could not be left alone that long without being checked on. Because she slept most of the day, we decided she could simply go to work with me.
Before he left, Mark took a nice big dog kennel up to the store, placed a nice big dog bed in the kennel, and we were in business.
Each morning, when I did have to work all day, she would go in with me. Before the store opened, I would let her walk around the store.
Some mornings she would walk, walk, walk around the store. Sniffing around and checking it all out. As I went about my business, I would hear the click, click, click of her little claws as she scoped everything out.
Other mornings she would simply lie on the rug in front of the front door in the warmth of the sunbeam. This was fun, because when she chose this spot, the door chime would continuously go off. Which did not bother her in the least. I would laugh, roll my eyes and try to ignore it.
Just before opening, I would place her in the kennel. She would sleep, and I would go about my day.
It wasn't perfect, but it would work while Mark was out of town.
So yesterday, when I told Mark I could go into work, I did not factor any of that in. And those two hours before the store opened just wrenched me.
I was alone, getting things ready, and I kept remembering her walking around. Click, click, click. I remembered how she slept in her huge kennel (the only size we had) while I worked, and I remembered her beloved sunbeam, because there it was again. Showing me. Taunting me. Hurting me.
I was not ok. I talked to God a LOT yesterday. I informed Him that He had to help me get through the day, because no way was I doing this alone.
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The second thing that happened: As my Dolce died, a good friend was going through much the same. Her little doggie was nearing the end of her life as well, and my friend was in much the same situation. What do I do? Is it time? What is "the right" thing? ....and then God took her doggie. In the end, she did not have to make the decision; it was made for her.
Her doggie is SO CUTE!! And she and I are hoping that our two babies met and made fast friends. I told Mark maybe Dolce introduced Pippin to Georgia. Georgia would make friends with ANYONE! It's fun to think so. It helps to think so.
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Lastly, I am so NOT a computer geek. It saddens me because I know over the years I have lost many photos. Between both phones and apps changing over time, as much as I try to back everything up and save things, I know I have still lost things. And I hate it. Even though I know I have those memories, I hate losing the tangible evidence.
Yesterday whilst just being my regular OCD self, I noticed a box. "What's in that box", I wondered.
OLD PHOTOS!!!
Old photos. A few of my grandkids, but mainly (MOSTLY!) old photos of all my beloved babies throughout the years.
Oh how happy I was.
I spent the next few hours going through my box of photos. Laughing. Crying. Remembering.
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